Step Off the Treadmill That Keeps You Forever Striving

 

On the recommendation of a friend, I have lately been reading “From Strength to Strength” by Arthur C. Brooks. It’s a fantastic book about how to find happiness and sustainable fulfillment in life by stepping out of the game of algorithms, societal expectations, and the notorious hedonic treadmill. 

I was astonished to learn that Philip Brickman, the psychologist who coined the term “hedonic treadmill,” and was also known for demonstrating that winning the lottery brings no sustainable satisfaction, died by suicide. The man who arguably most thoroughly studied fulfillment and happiness in fact couldn’t hack the system himself, which led to his untimely death. 

The hedonic treadmill is a very real phenomenon in this cultural climate of endless striving, and for those of you who are not familiar with the term, here’s my definition: It is the human tendency to endlessly pursue a vanishing horizon that only leads toward more competition, more effort, and deeper strain without ever reaching a lasting place of satisfaction. I’ll be happy when I achieve… Like the quickly fading “new car smell,” the hedonic treadmill keeps us chasing dopamine hits and ego bling that are ultimately fueled by our deep fear of failure or lack. 

In his book, Brooks teaches that lasting happiness is not found on the vanishing horizon line, as many successful high-achievers inevitably discover once they reach the top. In fact, his findings demonstrate that the three ingredients for lasting happiness are: enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning/purpose. These are all qualities that can be found in the moment you are in (with whatever is present) rather than somewhere out there. 

I agree with Brooks that Happiness is the result of finding what you seek in the NOW, and building consistent habits of seeing the world through this lens. Such a perspective aligns beautifully with a mindfulness practice that is awake, aware, curious, and embodied. 

When you break it down to finding those three happiness ingredients in your life, it makes sense that they would be linked to aligned relationships, meaningful work, spirituality, creativity, and authentic integrity—all important facets of The Radiant Life Project. 

Look around in your present moment. Sense into your body and heart. Consider the most crucial relationships and experiences of your life that bring you sustainable fulfillment. They cannot be replicated by an influx of online followers, an arduous step up the corporate ladder, or any other measurable achievement that takes you away from your core values. 

Once you align your actions with the people and experiences that matter most to you, a radiant life and a lasting well of happiness becomes available to you. Don’t believe me? Check out “From Strength to Strength” and then let’s talk more about it! 

As always, I love hearing from you. Contact me here!

Your Sensitivity is Your Gift

Sensitivity isn’t exactly prized as the hallmark of success and achievement in our society, but maybe it should be. Rather than relating to each other and the world through the callous lens of productivity, inauthenticity, and the competitive energy of never-enoughness, maybe we can shift.

Imagine a world where you can be You, in every shade of what that means. Imagine if you didn’t have to stifle your true nature, wounds, or opinions for the comfort of other people. Imagine if we prized the uniqueness and delicacy within one another rather than admonished it as being weak or ineffective. 

We all have sensitivity within us, and we embody it differently depending on our temperament, trauma history, and emotional health. Highly sensitive people (or HSP’s) are identified as such because they have opened themselves to the truth of the depth and breadth of their sensitivity. Such individuals tend to feel more deeply, notice the world around them more acutely, and sense more profoundly. The world of a highly sensitive person is filled with a great deal of sensory data, and though it can come with challenges in our fast-paced world, it also comes with gifts. HSP’s tend to attune more authentically in relationships, nurture creativity with ease, and experience the nuances of life that others might miss. 

If you identify as a highly sensitive person, there are a few things you need to know:

1: It is important that you protect your energy. HSP’s tend to also be empaths, which means that they not only feel their own experiences with immense depth and acuity, but that of others as well. It is easy for an empathic person to over-give or be drained by social connection or stimulating experiences. Attuning to yourself as though you had an energetic battery within is crucial. If you notice that your battery is running low, it is an indication that you need to pull your energy back toward yourself and replenish. As you navigate life as an HSP, you will start to notice that certain situations and people drain your battery more than others. You may choose over time to limit your contact with such experiences, or eliminate them all together. It is safe and healthy to shape your life around what feels generative, reciprocal, and respectful of your sensitivity. 

2: You can trust your intuition. Your sensitivity is also your gift. This means that when you get a gut feeling or an intuitive sense, it’s probably right on par. It can take a while for an HSP to learn to dial-in and trust their intuitive senses, but the more you practice listening to your inner voice, the more it will speak to you. When you are a highly sensitive person, you are sensitive both internally and externally, which grants you access to notice and perceive things in special ways that can guide you. If you feel a sinking feeling in your chest every time you’re around that one particular friend or coworker, it’s no coincidence. 

3: You need to give back to yourself more than you think. The world does not tend to be a tender and loving place for sensitive people—In fact, it often takes more than it gives. Until the rest of society can get on-board with the respect, tenderness, and depth of feeling that is your lived experience, you can nurture it for yourself. This means taking as much time, energy, effort, and care with filling your own cup. If you tend to be an over-giver, this is doubly important. Notice the different experiences of your life, and take note of what fills you and what drains you. If being around certain people generates a sense of warmth and connection within you, do more of that. If spending time in nature fuels you, get into nature every day. If you notice a rise in your energy levels at certain locations, in response to creative activities or intellectual conversations, follow the breadcrumbs toward your own toolbox for self-nurturance. It is not selfish to care for your needs. As a sensitive person, you need more nourishment of this kind because you give so much and sense so completely. Build your expectations for self-care to become a priority in your life, and you will feel the difference in your day-to-day wellbeing. 

Whether you identify as an HSP or not, you’re undoubtedly sensitive to some capacity because you are a human being. Notice where in your life you feel the undercurrents of exhaustion, over-sensitization, and maladaptive coping. These are areas in your existence that need a little something extra from you. Regardless of how acute your sensitivities are, explore the experience of tending to yourself in this new attuned way. 

 

Let me know how it goes! I would love to hear about your experiences. If you want to know more about my work, learn more here!

Musings on Birds and Fish

Perhaps all creatures on Earth, with their many differences and unique qualities, are meant to reflect the truth of potential to one another. Maybe the vast array of our individual and group presentations allow us to discover our true nature and live at the knife-edge of both reality and possibility. 

 

Life among the currents and waves of the sea is an inconceivable anomaly for a bird, however a fish does not drown in the water that surrounds it. It was built for an environment where ocean flows through its very being to sustain its lifeforce. To the dismay of many a fish, a bird does not plummet clumsily from the sky and crash-land upon the unforgiving ground. It was gifted wings with anatomical precision for flight, and the intrinsic know-how to soar and steer skyward.

 

If a fish should wish to fly—or a bird swim—it may seem inconceivable. However, a closer look at our planet’s history reminds us that the impossible becomes possible when a species is patient for several generations. During this time, evolution is free to develop and sustain the necessary equipment to make such changes. With tolerance and fortitude, a fish’s wish to swim among the clouds can manifest. Though seemingly the stuff of daydream fantasies, such miracles already exist: The proof is in the existence of ducks and Exocoetidae (flying fish). 

 

And what if a fish should fall in love with a bird? Would their hearts allow any option other than an existence spent brainstorming and exploring the possibilities for merging sky and sea? Perhaps the deep appreciation and admiration of seemingly impossible feats allows such creatures to coexist at all.

 

In the end, the truth seems to be this: We were built for certain circumstances, but we are not caged by those designs. Our health and comfort derive from congruent living with our anatomical architecture. However, when the soul dreams impossible dreams, the veil between worlds can shift with determined intention. Why, my friends, would there by flying fish at all if they were not driven by a deep inner engine to kiss the sky?

 

How to Move Through Portals of Possibility -- Even When You're Scared.

 Periodically throughout my sabbatical, I kept feeling as though I was passing through portals. Each time I would have the experience of energetically moving past a threshold where I could never return to the old ways. Call this consciousness growth, manifestation, soul evolution, or imaginary progress—to me, it has felt as real as the nose on my face. 

Today I moved through another portal. I did something that was brave, and scary, and vulnerable as hell. I submitted my book proposal and manuscript chapters for The Radiant Life Project to my first-choice publisher, Sounds True. The experience was visceral, and emotional, and energetically profound. I laughed and cried simultaneously in a somatic experience of joy-filled gratitude that I hardly expected. I felt surrounded by supportive frequencies I can’t even begin to describe, though I felt them rushing through and beyond me. It was a portal moment where I knew there would be no return. I stepped into a new world of possibility and potential that I had not previously had access to. I do not know what comes in kind with these seismic life-shifts. All I know for sure is that we must seize the opportunities to take them when they present.

We are not most limited by the lack of opportunities, or our personal flaws, or our lowly place on the food chain. No. We are most limited by our inaction. We must never cease our forward movement toward the beautiful and scary mysteries of our lives—no matter how insecure or afraid we may be. It is action itself that opens the portals of our future Selves and the potential that awaits each and every one of us. If we avoid action for fear or protection, we remain stagnant and sedentary like a body of water that has been still for too long. Our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls demand movement. There is no going back, but we do have a choice at what speed we move forward. By taking intentional aligned action, we walk through the portals of possibility that open for us, and propel ourselves into futures yet unimaginable. 

I have no idea what will happen with my book proposal to Sounds True. I diligently did my part, and then I released control like a flock of butterflies into the heavens. With my submittal, I handed the baton off to those next in line to take action. Whatever will be will be, and I’ll know that I held up my end of the deal by taking aligned action and moving through the portal.

Tell me about some of your portal moments. I would love to hear about them!

Stay in touch and check out my work 
here!

The difference between being a Force, and forcing it

 One of my dear friends often reflects to me that I am a Force—by which she means that I have an uncanny way of powerfully activating, navigating, and manifesting my daily life. I tend to do this with plentiful aligned action based on the generative ideas and plans I develop regarding both my professional and personal experiences. Over the years, I have noticed that there is a distinction between being the kind of Force that acts as a channel which funnels meaningful action and activity into the world, and effortfully forcing outcomes with layers of agenda or aggression.

 

Being a Force tends to include feeling aligned and in flow with creativity, integrity, and meaningful intention. I’m sure we can all recall feeling this resonance while engaging a task or activity where we felt both energized and focused on something we cared deeply about. There are three important facets of being a Force:

 

1: It is important to not actually force anything. Similar to grasping a small animal in the palm of your hand, if you squeeze your intention too tightly, you will crush its life force. Conversely, being a Force requires that we not only hold the gentle energy of our muse, but that we thoughtfully observe it and build upon its offerings. 

 

2: Being a Force requires action. A mind full of brilliant ideas can only take you so far. You must take aligned-action to bring your goals, dreams, desires, and plans to fruition. Along with the call for action comes the necessity of courage. Moving through your life with powerful intention and action is not for the faint of heart, and it does not guarantee success. You must be willing to build, re-build, pivot, and shift if you are to become a Force. 

 

3: Do not let your Force energy consume you. Always remember when you channel the generative force of creativity that it is only one aspect of your life. Too much Force can start feeling forced if it becomes imbalanced with the rest of your life. Though Force energy can feel exciting and motivating, you must thoughtfully wield it. If your Force energy becomes imbalanced in one area (your career, for example) at the detriment of all else, your relationships with others, connection to Self, and participation in leisure can suffer greatly. Remember, success only feels gratifying if it fits into the rest of your life with harmony.

 

Most importantly, the difference between being a Force and forcing something is a delicate balance of grit and grace. The knife-edge between these two concepts is where the ferocity and magnificence of being a Force gains its momentum and inspiration. If you tip too far into the realm of grit, the magic of harmony can be lost, and the task can start feeling forced. Too much grace has the opposite effect of feeling flimsy or disconnected. As with much in life, the middle path often holds the most possibility and potential. It is within the contrast of striving while also allowing oneself to be guided that we discover our infinite creative potential.

 

How about an example?

 

My upcoming book, The Radiant Life Project, has been a joy to write. It has streamed from my heart and mind through my fingers, and danced across the page in sentences and paragraphs that weave together my love-filled teachings about psycho-emotional self-healing. In the moments when I sat at my keyboard and allowed the flow of my knowledge and passion for my work to channel, I was being a Force. I was taking the necessary action to build my book—letter by letter, word by word, sentence by sentence. In moments where I felt weary, uninspired, or disconnected, I did not write because it would feel like forcing it. Like a muse that dances in and out of view, I learned to trust the bursts of inspiration I received. When such a muse would flutter through my consciousness, I would seize the opportunity and open the channel for my writing to flow. 

 

It hasn’t always been so easy for me to write from Force energy. In the beginning, I wrote based on the clock rather than the feeling of flow. In contrast to Force energy, the feeling of forcing felt evident when I provided myself with an arbitrary deadline by which I demanded I complete a certain section of writing. I would fuel myself with caffeine and sheer will, and grasp at fleeting thoughts and concepts while my mind began to tire. Not only did this forceful effort require massive energy and discipline, but it rarely yielded writing of much value. Most often I would sweep back over my writing once I had re-connected with the Force of my passion and re-structure the lines I had forcefully written in those pressured moments.

 

It didn’t take long for me to realize the difference between forcing and accessing Force energy. Once I realized and accepted that I could be much more effective, heartfelt, and successful in my writing if I acted only when I was inspired, it became easier to give myself permission to access necessary rest and reprieve in the moments when I wasn’t. As Bethany Webster wisely wrote in her book Discovering the Inner Mother, “Act only when inspired. Otherwise rest.”

 

Imagine the works of creation we could bring into being if we all accessed and acted from Force energy instead of forceful energy. What would you create?

 

Questions or comments? I'm all ears. Drop me a line in the comments, or feel free to be in touch at https://linktr.ee/theradiantlifeproject

When Doors Lead to More Doors in the Self-Healing Process

 

I once had a dream that I was standing at the threshold of a sturdy wooden door with a brass handle. Something inside me knew that if I opened the door, I would step into a space filled with more doors that each led to their own worlds. Beyond each of those doors, I could sense further worlds yet unimaginable to be. And it all was made accessible when I stepped through the first door.  

When I awoke from my dream, it all made perfect sense to me. The doors in my dream had been metaphors for the portals available to us all when we make life choices based on aligned action. Like individual bulbs strung together on a line, every choice we make leads to infinite possibilities and opens new perspectives, opportunities, offerings, and experiences.  

The inner work of self-healing can sometimes feel like a deep dive from one door toward more doors. I often hear from my clients (and I have experienced this within myself too) that the more they engage their inner work, the more they realize that there are mountains more healing, growth, and expansion ahead for them. This realization seems counter-intuitive to their belief that deep inner work leads to less and less necessary self-growth. The process never seems to get "there." You know, that illusive place where healing has been achieved and growth stops? I am speaking to the "there" I think many of us tend to set our sights on when we begin our inner journey. Instead, we discover that no boxes can be checked with deep healing work because there is no true destination; up, up, up we go with no ceiling. 

When you accept the truth that there is no "there" to get to in the realm of self-exploration, you can start following the breadcrumb trail that leads from one door to another. If you choose to release your attachment to the "there" you had previously hoped you could reach, you will notice that the trail of your own inner-investigation meanders through vast inner terrain that only becomes available when you consciously choose to courageously walk through the doors of you psyche in exploration. Because psychological and emotional healing are not linear or one-dimensional, people on the track to personal growth and evolution tend to grow familiar with the complex process of encountering doors that lead to more doors. 

Every time you move through a new door, you are crossing into a threshold that grants you new expansive awareness into your Self, your life experiences, your relationships, and your intrinsic drive toward your personal purpose. Though it can feel scary at times to cross thresholds when you are not always clear of their direction, it is essential to do so. When we remain stuck at a doorway, in resistance or refusal to walk through its portal into the unknown, we limit our ability to live in full expression. The cadence of life is centered around movement and growth, and when we cut ourselves off from this essential flow, our very souls pang with the density and weight of a life un-lived to the extent of its creative potential. You see, every time you move from one doorway into the new territory it opens, you bring with you the wisdom and gems from doorways-past. By integrating the learnings from the past with the creative potential of the present and possibility of the future, you ensure that the growth of your human experience, soul, and consciousness remain alive. 

Here is my invitation to you: The next time you feel like you are standing at a threshold (whether it is related to a big life decision, a choice that offers something new and different, saying YES when you may have inclined toward NO), consider that you are about to walk through a doorway. There are no wrong choices in life, only learning experiences. So if you walk through a door that leads to undesirable experiences, chalk them up for the learning the offer, and seek a further door to move through. The purpose of seeing self-growth as movement through a series of doors does not require or guarantee that all doors lead to paradise. Let's be honest, sometimes paradise isn't where we learn the most and evolve into our best selves. Sometimes the breadcrumb trail must move you through doorways of hardship, suffering, grief, and pain in order to usher you forward toward new thresholds that can integrate the meaningful learnings of those experiences for future understanding. 

The bottom line is this: Move yourself through the magical portals of as many psychological and emotional doors as possible in this wild experience of life. Be they glimmering with hope or shrouded in sadness, I cannot understate the valuable learning that comes with experiencing the vast sampler platter of our human lives. Just remember not to get stuck in any one landing place, be it joyous or grievous, because true inner-evolution comes with moving from door to door, portal to portal, and layer to layer of your complex and magnificent human experience.

Questions or comments? I'm all ears. Drop me a line in the comments, or feel free to be in touch through my website at https://theradiantlifeproject.com/contact 

or on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/theradiantlifeproject/

How to Maintain Healthy Boundaries with People Who Don't Respect Boundaries

 You've done the hard work of getting clear on the energetic, emotional, physical, and interpersonal boundaries that matter most to you, and you have even practiced rolling out your boundaries in your relationships. Congratulations! Everything's down hill from there, right? Well, it depends. 

The frustrating truth about boundary setting is that people don't tend to like boundaries; especially if they have benefitted from your boundarylessness. Think about it: If your (mother, spouse, friend, whomever) has historically gotten what they want by snowplowing you into collapse or submission, it makes sense that they may not particularly enjoy your newfound strength and empowerment inherent in your boundary setting. This is not a valid reason for you to ditch your boundaries. It is a sign that boundaries are essential in that particular relationship, and that it may take a while for both parties to adapt to the new homeostasis of the dynamic. Some relationships may adapt and evolve in respect toward your new boundaries, and others may crumble. Either way, how a person responds to your assertion of boundaries tells you a great deal about the integrity of the relationship and the degree to which the relationship serves you (or doesn't).

In some cases, it's easy to simply stop engaging with a person who disrespects, disregards, or even blatantly violates your boundaries. A clean relationship ending like this can feel like a lickity-split solution to a problematic relational dynamic you've been unsuccessfully navigating for potentially a long time. In other cases, however (such as toxic family relationships, long-term partnerships, or complex work relationships), the solution may not be quite so smooth and easy. Let's face it: certain relationships are complicated and nuanced, and not so simple to disengage from. In the case of a relationship of this sort that violates your boundaries, you have three options:

1. Say something: Many among us get anxious about confrontation, but sometimes it's the best way to go when it comes to handling a person who disrespects boundaries. A direct conversation about your experience of your boundaries being crossed can go a long way, and it can clarify for the other person that you are serious about the boundary you set. Saying something directly to a person tends to eradicate their chances of claiming that they didn't know about your boundary. Direct discussion about a boundary can be had with kindness, respect, and honesty, which provides you the peace of mind to know that you delivered and reinforced your boundary with the highest integrity possible. There's no need to be mean about it, just kindly and respectfully let the other person know that they crossed your line by telling them so.
2. Do something: If direct confrontation isn't your style (or maybe you tried it and it didn't work), you can respond to a boundary violater with action (or inaction, in some cases). This may look like removing yourself from a situation where your boundaries are being disregarded, not putting yourself in a situation where you commonly feel snowplowed or sidelined, or including preparations to support you in the event of a boundary-crossing. Using your actions and behaviors to align with your boundary serves to protect, reinforce, and demonstrate your energetic/psychological/emotional/physical edges. Sometimes we don't need to SAY anything if we can DO something that demonstrates our boundaries nonverbally. 
3. Ask for something: In a relationship that has room for collaboration, connection, and attunement, it may be effective to simply ask for the other person to respect your boundary, increase their sensitivity to your needs, or heighten their awareness of your experience. If you ask for something from a meaningful relationship with kindness, respect, and honesty, the other person may be willing to understand that you have a need they can meet by shifting their behaviors/words/actions. Collaborating in this way  prioritizes the relationship itself, and can reinforce the importance of a reciprocal dynamic where everyone gets their needs met.

If none of these options feel attainable or successful in a relationship, it may be time to ask yourself these following questions:

1. Why do I remain in this relationship, and how does it serve me?
2. Do I have unrealistic expectations or hopes for the quality and purpose of this relationship? Consider if it is filling a void, an obligation, or a perceived need.
3. If this person never changes, how can I make changes within the relationship so that I can feel safer and more aligned with my own needs. 

Boundary setting can bring up a lot of emotional charge, so be gentle with yourself during this work. I encourage you to include some form of processing while you work with boundary setting. Some people use art, writing, external processing with a loved one, therapy, or meditation/contemplation. Clarifying and strengthening your boundaries with others helps you build a trusting relationship with yourself because it allows you to honor your inner needs. it's ok to continually adjust and redefine your boundaries as you move through time and different relationships, so try not to be too rigid. Just like a muscle, the more you work on your boundaries, the stronger and more effective they will become.